How to Feel Your Feelings
Disclaimer: The information on this blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered, mental health advice or a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Using this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship. Always seek the advice of your qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have.
Have you ever wondered what it means to “feel your feelings”? Or how to actually do that? What does this really look like, in practice? I often liken this quandary to a scene in one of my favorite shows, Schitt’s Creek. David and Moira are in the kitchen making a family recipe, and the instructions say to “fold in the cheese”. Moira tells David this step in the recipe, and he asks what “folding in the cheese” actually means… and Moira just repeats the instructions verbatim, clearly not comprehending what this means, further irritating David.
It can feel a lot like this when we’re asked to “feel our feelings”. What do you mean, “feel my feelings?” Unlike Moira, I do have some insight to share here- both from my professional experience, and as someone who has had to learn this skill for themself.
Messages About Feelings
Humans learn through social modeling. Albert Bandura, a Canadian-American psychologist and researcher, developed the Social Learning Theory in the 1960s, which explains how we learn- through observation. Here are some examples of social modeling and how it impacts our experiences of emotions:
You could observe that people who are socialized as male are not allowed to cry. This could be from a direct statement forbidding crying, or seeing or experiencing negative consequences from crying, like bullying, being made fun of, being called ‘weak’, or having assumptions made about sexual orientation. These messages can come from the media we consume, our families, cultures, and our peers.
You could have the experience that when you express any feeling except for happiness or gratitude, it is met with anger or feelings of upset. Maybe a caregiver tries to “correct” your feeling, punish you for expressing it, or becomes so upset, the focus shifts to their feelings, leaving no space for yours.
Maybe you have had the experience that others seem to know the ‘rules’ about feelings, but people respond negatively to you when you express your feelings. You’re not sure what these rules are, you just know you’re somehow breaking them.
Perhaps your experiences of anger were seeing people in positions of authority or power express anger in scary or violent ways. So maybe there is a fear that if you feel anger, you could also be scary or violent towards others.
These messages can block our ability to feel our feelings, so it’s important to notice them. It’s also important to have compassion for ourselves, rather than judgement. Whatever beliefs you have about feelings, you came by honestly. And now, you’re teaching yourself something new about your feelings.
Techniques for Feeling Your Feelings
a row of brightly colored balls. with facial expressions drawn on
There is no single approach that works for everyone, because we all experience feelings through our own unique lenses. Rather than a step by step guide, here are some techniques you can use to help you connect with your feelings.
Is there something in particular causing the feeling? Can you set a timer and focus on it for one minute, to start? Simply direct your thoughts to the object of your feeling for that one minute. If you notice yourself avoiding the feeling, that’s okay- just return to thinking about the object of your feeling. Remember, no judgement, just curiosity and compassion for where you are right now.
Notice what you sense in your body. Does your chest feel tight? Is your stomach in knots? How is your breathing? You can even do a full body scan, if that feels safe.
For some people who experience gender dysphoria, it may feel safer to skip over areas that cause strong dysphoria. For survivors of sexual trauma, it may be challenging to connect at all. Don’t force it- you can skip this cue entirely or modify it in a way that fits your needs.
Breathe deeply. This could be lengthening the exhale, exhaling forcefully through the mouth, or trying to match the inhale with the exhale in length. Maybe you imagine breathing into the feeling, directing the breath towards it.
Pair a physical movement with the feeling, thinking about the feeling while doing the movement. For example, you might throw a ball against the wall while thinking about feelings of anger or hurt. Or perhaps you sway back and forth and feel your feet on the ground while focusing on feelings of sadness.
Use a creative outlet. This could be writing, drawing, painting, making music, or dancing, to name a few. Let your inner experience flow without blocking it. If this feels too open-ended, you can always set a timer.
Use a feelings wheel to identify what you’re feeling. If there are a lot of feelings all at once, can you focus on one at a time, using the techniques listed above?
You may notice a common thread with these techniques: connection to feelings is paired with movement through, rather than staying stuck in the feelings. A pattern of suppression can teach us that it’s too risky to feel our feelings, because who knows what will happen next? What if we never stop feeling this feeling? Maybe it will move in a way that feels overwhelming or scary. Maybe it will negatively impact our lives. Maybe we fear it could be the same as a past awful experience with this feeling. The feelings will come out one way or another- we can only hold it in for so long. Intentionally feeling your feelings creates choice and agency, and builds self-trust. Connecting and moving through feelings acts as a pressure release valve, reducing the intensity and urgency, and giving us space to choose what we do with these feelings.
A few closing tips:
A helpful practice for many people is to have a plan on how they will care for themselves after taking some time to feel. This could look like engaging in a hobby, distracting yourself, spending time with friends or family, playing with your pets, cleaning, napping, or taking a shower.
There is no “perfect” way to do this. Release expectations and any pressure to get it “just right”.
Some people find it helpful to keep a written log of their experiences in connecting with and expressing feelings. It could include what thoughts and feelings were coming up, the time and day, what they were doing before the feeling came up, the trigger for the feeling, the technique used, and how it felt afterwards.
Don’t force it. This will take some practice, but it’s important to not overdo it. See if you can notice if or when the feeling is getting too big, and go right up to that point before stopping.
Hopefully this gives you unravels the mystery of how to feel your feelings, and gives you some starting points for connecting with yourself in a way that feels safe and sustainable.